Advice from a Small Town Girl

I’ve been thinking about fear lately.

Not the deer-in-the-headlights kind of fear. That kind of fear would be something of a relief.

The kind of fear I’ve been thinking about is that sneaky, lurking kind of fear that you often don’t even recognize as fear.

The fear of failure.

The fear of the unknown.

The fear that at last everyone will realize that you’re a fraud.

The fear that the realization of a long-cherished dream will not provide eternal happiness.

The fear that, even if you lost 100 pounds, you’d still be unlovable.

The fear that you’re the only person in the world who has those kind of fears.

I didn’t say these fears were rational, did I?

I can only hope that you know what I mean.

A couple of recent occurrences led me to this contemplation of fear.

A few months ago, I woke from a dream in which I was becoming thinner and thinner. The fat was disappearing in much the same way the layers are peeled away from the heart of an onion. And in the dream, I was realizing that there was something in the heart of me that I was afraid of confronting.

Unfortunately, I was no wiser in the dream than I am in the real world, so I still don’t know what I was afraid of. But it made me begin thinking a bit more.

Then, this morning, I picked up “The Procrastinator’s Handbook” again (because I’ve been procrastinating applying its principles, don’t you know) and author Rita Emmett wrote that much procrastination arises out of fear. And she went on to describe the kind of fear I’m talking about.

And then it was time to go to work, so I didn’t get to read about how she conquered the fears that were keeping her from succeeding. I swear I’m not procrastinating.

It’s not easy for a confirmed optimist to confess to this kind of fear. It’s sort of anti-optimistic.

And even though I’ve been thinking about those fears quite a bit lately, that hasn’t stopped me from starting, once again, on a regain-my-health program.

This time, I’ve embarked upon the “Digest Diet,” from one of my favorite magazines of all time, Reader’s Digest. Day one is behind me and I’ve navigated my way successfully through a good portion of day two. I’ve gotten up early and gone for walks. I’ve followed the food plan. I’ve kept myself busy during the day and I went to bed at a reasonable hour last night. (The night before was not so reasonable, due to a shopping error which led me to be cooking garbanzo beans until midnight. Those little lumps of nutrition take a very long time to cook.)

I’m going to do my darnedest to stick with this one. The program appears to be based on sound nutritional advice, not magic, so it should be do-able. I didn’t see any advice on how to deal with my fears or any of the tricks my mind is sure to try to play on me, but I choose to believe that I can do this.

I’ll keep you posted.