Advice from a small town girl

It’s that time of year again.

Resolution time.

I should probably just save myself time (and self-recrimination) by resolving not to make resolutions, but I don’t seem to be able to help myself.

A new year just seems like the perfect time to work on perfecting myself.

Now, before you get excited, I am aware that perfection is unattainable.

Mostly I just want to be a better person. I would really like to be less judgemental of others, and maybe even a bit less judgemental of myself.

In general, judgement is a good thing. It’s judgement that allows us to function within society; the daily decision making that keeps us all from chaos. But sometimes judgement loses its way, and turns on you. Or on others.

I used to work with a woman who had one of the best habits I’ve ever seen. Whenever the conversation started to become personal, when it became about someone, she very quietly and unobtrusively left the room. She didn’t make a big deal about it, she didn’t make any of the rest of us feel bad, she simply walked away from behavior she did not want to participate in. I guess I could say that she used her good judgement to be non-judgemental. I would like to be more like her.

So every year I take another swing at self-improvement.

Most years, I promise myself that I’ll lose weight. Some years I swear to quit drinking alcohol or coffee.

I frequently resolve to be more organized; to not only remember everyone’s birthday, but to buy cards and gifts and mail them on time. I resolve to be kinder, more thoughtful.

Mind you, none of it ever happens.

Some years I’ve made it a few months on one or two of the resolutions. Some years I give up before I’ve begun.

I forget the most important thing of all – that it’s the recognition of the need for improvement, and the attempt at it that counts.

In AA, they say, “Progress, not perfection.”

It’s a bit more than “It’s the thought that counts,” because I believe you do actually have to make an effort, not just think about it.

I guess there should be established steps to resolution.

The first is to acknowledge that I have a problem (I’m borrowing freely here, as some will notice) that needs changing.

The second is to define exactly what change I would like to make. “I want to lose weight” is not specific enough. “I will lose 20 pounds by January 10th” may be unrealistic. The trick is to balance the amorphous with the unachievable and come up with a goal that is attainable and worthy of feeling good about.

I’ve noticed lately that, as we are driving away from some event, I will say to my long-suffering husband, “I really need to be a better person.” He, wisely, has no reply.

Because that statement is a non-starter. “Better person” is not well-defined enough to be achievable.

There’s a tool that can be helpful when working on resolutions. It’s an acronym – SMART.

There are some variations on the meanings behind each of the letters, but the ones I (would like to) work with are:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Relevant

Trackable

So, rather than make promises to myself about hitting New Year’s Day as a new, nearly perfect person, I hope to actually spend a little time planning what kind of person I want to become, setting SMART goals and making some SMART resolutions about how to achieve them.